Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider

Hello I’m back and we’re also back to our regularly scheduled programming. Last week you were probably like, “Wow, Ali’s vocabulary for curse words is extensive and her anger was the mood. But let me first say anger has brought me my best work, and last week well the fuckboys really got to hear it. But I got a whole new story for you and it may get a little weird.

Present Day…

Here I am, holding it all in because if I let one ounce out about how I really feel to anyone, I won’t know how to possibly move on from the situation I’m in. So, I’ll keep it to myself for now, even though I spent another night crying to my cat. Because that’s what I do, I have these intense conversations with my cat because that is totally normal.

But to get to the present we have to go back to the past and boy this should be fun and by fun I mean painfully awkward to relive.

Sometime in the past…

So here again I find myself wondering what life could be like with a great guy in it because we all know I don’t have the best track record. And the last boyfriend whom we shall not name because I’d like to think me dating him was one of those quarter life crisis things, so he doesn’t count.

He wasn’t the best person to give me hope but I’m Ali Baker and one of the best things about me is that I have a big heart and my capacity to hope for the best is what I hold on too. 

 I decided that I needed something to get my mind off cheating ex boyfriends and in my head I was ready to get back out there in the dating game. So what did I do you ask? Oh, what any millennial does to find love. I went on tinder, and side note why did I ever think I would find love on there or anything remotely close. Like I said, “millennials.”

Big dumb dumb idiots

I’m not a tinder girl, I find it more of something fun to do when I can’t sleep at night. So that’s what I did and one night I met someone actually normal looking and knew how to conversate like a gentlemen and not the weird pick up line or my personal favorite, “let me send you a pic.” Like ew absolutely not on this planet ever. We don’t like that shit, it’s never okay for an unsolicited dick pic.

I will 100 percent never talk to you again

No one wants to see your body parts, because when you send us pics we show all our friends and laugh because you’re stupid.

It took a little while for me and this guy to meet up because of our schedules but we finally made a plan and I was really nervous. It was my first time back out there, doing the whole dating thing.

I actually get way to nervous for these kinds of things to the point where I lay on the floor of my room, stare at the ceiling and pep talk myself until it’s okay to get back up or when my friends force me to get up from my dramatic state on the floor.

But don’t worry people I got up and made it to the bar with my girlfriend. I remember the butterflies like it was yesterday and there I saw him from across the room and god was he cute.

I got up the courage after I chugged a beer, took a shot and had my friend talk me into walking over and to my surprise we instantly clicked. It wasn’t just one of those weird tinder dates where someone gets laid in the end. There was something there and I knew it. 

I wasn’t wrong. We were inseparable, always out on the boat, hanging with each other’s friends, going to dinner, romantic picnics on the intercoastal, having wine and cheese movie nights and the happy hours were the best.

I mean our first kiss was everything. It’s one of those kisses you wait all day for. Nothing is rushed and it just happens the way it’s suppose to, the perfect boat day in the sun and ending it with him holding me. He turned me towards him and moved my messy beach hair from my face and kissed me, and I was hooked from that moment on.

The sex was 80 percent of the time good but then got weird in ways I don’t think I should say, use your imagination.

But the red flags were appearing left and right, all over the place like when my prom date asked me to prom with sticky notes all over my car.

That’s how many red flags there were, a god damn shit ton.

He didn’t have a job, he was spending his savings and I would assume getting money from his somewhat wealthy parents, he lied about certain aspects about his life, he was into some questionable things not only in the bedroom but in his life. He went to nude beaches alone….

Who does that?

He was into some bizarre shit to say the least.

But the icing on the cake, after months of talking he didn’t want to make it official. And his reasoning was he just got out of a long term relationship months prior.

But I’m sorry worst excuse ever! And I know that now. If a guy doesn’t want to take it to the next step, he’s not worth it! Not one fucking bit. At the end of the day, anyone that likes you enough will want to be with you. One thing I have learned over the years is if I have to fight for your attention, then fuck your attention.

But Ali in the past… not so wise.

Jupiter boy if you’re wining and dining me, having sleepovers, meeting each other’s parents and not hooking up with anyone else…

What the fuck do you call that then?!

He was one of those guys that wanted the fake girlfriend, someone to have when he needed but then also not having the commitment of the title so technically he could do whatever he wanted.

And that was a big bowl of bullshit.

I stayed with him way too long, going back and fourth and finally I had about enough. So one of those nights when I decided to cut ties with, “Jupiter boy,” (which is not what I did). I went out and I met a really hot, older dude with a beard.

And we all know how I love me some beards. And I had at this point in my life never been with someone this much older then me. Even though I was very upset with Jupiter boy not wanting to make it official. I had to do the next best thing, which I can say with 100 percent certainty was not the next best thing.

Step one: Meet a guy (which I did)

Step two: hang out with said new guy more so Jupiter boy would wonder what the heck I was doing.

Step 3: Jupiter boy gets jealous and finally dates me, officially.

Yes, reading that back it sounds insane and also like I missed a trillion steps in between. So, of course something bad would happen… totally a predictable plot twist.

So, what started with a date ended up in a love triangle.

A very very messy stupid triangle.

Stay tuned next week!

Advice of the week: if he has spider web tattoos anywhere on his body, he’s been to prison.

#sorrynotsorry