Ghost of Boyfriends Past

A wise person once told me, “the only way you will know how to proceed with your love life now all depends on what you learned from you’re past. And that wise person was me, Ali Baker, I am the wise person. Broadcasting live from my super duper comfy bed. I’ve decided it’s time we roll back the curtain and jump far back in this time machine to figure out what it is I exactly need in a mate. I can’t be a crazy cat lady forever, so I’m going to objectively try and be a therapist to my old self and figure out what it is I need and what went wrong to better prepare me for today. Alright roll the tape in 3,2,1…

My first love

Middle school circa 2007, when I met the love of my life. He gave me the butterflies every time I ran into him. He was the cool older kid that gave me the time of day, he’d pass me in the hallways and always say hello, he always talked to me on AIM. Omg, do you remember AIM… where you would literally wait every day after school until your crush logged on. That was me, waiting for him. He was everything, nice, a blonde tanned boy that surfed all day everyday and could make everyone laugh. When we got to high school we would write each other love notes every period and hand them off. He was the biggest love of my life for such a long time. He dated every pretty girl and I never thought one day I would be one of them until it happened. My first love, was everything we dated until high school and then on and off we would come back together throughout the years. He was everything you could want in a man, he was the most gentle soul. He knew me all the way to my core. So, why did I break up with the love of my life? Did I fall out of love with him? Honestly with this one I think I grew out of him, if that makes sense. I know I’ll always love him but I think when I grew up that part of me let that part of him go. Which sucks because he was my whole entire life, I thought I would marry him. But growing up sometimes you fall out of love with the right people and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Conclusion number one: I need someone who will grow with me.

The guy that broke my heart

We all have that one, the one that breaks us so hard we don’t know where to turn or what to do because we start believing all the toxic things they’re saying. Like, you’re not good enough, you’re a slut, you look fat, you’re ugly etc. Now imagine hearing all of that when you’re 16 years old and imagine what that can do to a young persons self esteem. That person was me, and I was in a very toxic, emotional abusive relationship, that lasted way too long. This person cheated on me with most of my friends whom I called sisters, cheated on me with honestly anything that moved. Manipulated me, broke me as a person, and messed with my mental health. And you’re all probably like well, we clearly see the problem. And yeah I do too. But my young self stayed for years, and that is one relationship that shaped me into who I am today.

Conclusion number dos: I know for a fact liars, assholes and insecure guys don’t do it for me. And people there is a such thing as red flags, watch for them.

The guy that taught me not all guys are assholes.

I met this guy, when I least expected it. He came into my life like he was almost suppose to in a way. It feels like he was sent my way to heal me, to show me there are decent people out there that won’t hurt you. And that was him, he was someone I could laugh with all day, drink red wine with, do homework together and giggle the whole time. He was there when I needed him. He was the guy you could count on. And I loved him for that. He showed me what love was suppose to be like, what a healthy relationship was like because I forgot. He helped me grow for the better and I thank him for that. But god not to ruin the moment he was such a sensitive sally. Like, god forbid If I didn’t hang out with him or I said the wrong thing. Sensitive Sally’s, make my brain malfunction. But we were goofy, amazing and wonderful so there is only love for him here.

Conclusion number 3: clingy and emotional do not work for me. I REPEAT do not work

 

Instead of looking at your past as a mistake look at it as if it was a lesson. You learned some tough shit that made you who you are today. And some of us including me go back into the same patterns because they’re comfortable. Don’t be afraid to to do the things that are best for you. Learn from what you had and don’t recycle the same patterns that is how you will find the right person that is suppose to be in your life.

Fast forward to the present-ish as you’ve been reading, you know I’ve been making some crafty decisions to get over a certain someone whom we mentioned was named 23. And that fun time in my life didn’t end with band boy.

When you think of the Fourth of July, I usually think fireworks, sunshine, boats, hotdogs, having a specifically wonderful time with all things dips and chips. But now I’ll always remember the time I hooked up with my friend, like someone in my friend group. Who once was an innocent bystander but not that day, oh not that day.

Stay Tuned Next week!

Advice of the week: This might be my favorite one yet… Grand Gestures are still a thing and will never not be a thing. So, do them people just do them.

#sorrynotsorry

 

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