PSA: Mom & Dad do not read the blog.
So, there comes a time when I have to be a little bit of a sap. I can’t always have these funny, raunchy stories because that is not life. And if you’re like, well I’m going to stop reading now, don’t worry kids the sex part with the silver fox is coming…. EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
These things I write are relatable because we have all been there, done that. My love life has never fallen quite in the middle. It’s either way too easy or extremely complicated and overwhelming. Let’s back track…. I fell in love with the sociopath, “the con artist.” I ran away from all the good ones because I thought the love I was given before was what I deserved. I gave the wrong guys, “the fuckboys,” the attention that they didn’t appreciate, I fell in love with my best friend whose roommate I dated before him.
And for the kicker, I caught feels for the one person in the whole entire planet I shouldn’t have. Which if you have been following along, you know this already. Now, every time I look at him he actually just causes me pain when he used to make me smile. And to fake smile through it all is fucking tough. Maybe it’s time like Ariana grande said to fuck a fake smile.
It’s hard for me to go from having all these high expectations for this human and now knowing I’m not going to get them, so taking a step back is a little trying but I’m managing. I’m just trying to be a normal person but JESUS this dating life of mine is like finding waldo at Disney Land in China.
But a year ago, everything was going just right. And that’s where I’d like to formally introduce you to my future ex husband, ie: the hottest guy I have ever had sexual relations with, yes you can quote me.
He was the guy you imagined in your head when you think LA. Like the ultimate package, Justin Bobby vibes from the hills if that gives you any picture in your mind. If it doesn’t please look below.
Okay, so I met him and his friends at the bar I worked at. They became my regulars, I’m pretty sure all of them were always flirting with me but I literally had no idea because that’s how oblivious I am. Two of the guys in the group asked for my phone number and even then I was like no, they just want to be friends. I started hanging out with one of them outside of work, who was super fun, also about 12 years older, but such a cool dude. He took me to all the hip bars on Hollywood blvd, and we literally always had the best time… football Sundays were my favorite. But I only ever looked at him as a friend, so me eventually making out with his friend all over a bar one day probably didn’t make him feel the best.
YES, GIRL’S CAN BE ASSHOLES TOO.
His friend was someone I could actually see myself dating one day. And not him physically. But I mean his personality was just one of those you can’t get enough of. We were both sarcastic and could play off each others witty banter. If you can excite my brain you got moves dude.
At first I thought the witty banter was all that it was, so I don’t know how it went from that to him following me into a bathroom and I can tell you it wasn’t to tell secrets. But I’m getting too far ahead.
They had a brunch spot every Sunday in West Hollywood, and I started to get invited. So, One day I went not knowing what to expect but like five mimosas later, me and my future ex husband were kind of all over each other. He kept grabbing onto me and and whispering things in my ear. I knew deep down this was going to make the other guy upset, but who am I mother Theresa? We would always joke about the cute babies we would have and fight over their names, and for someone hitting 40 and wanting to settle down I could never tell if he was actually serious, but I played along.
There was a photo booth at the brunch spot and I grabbed him and I was like lets go take some pictures it would be fun. So, we went inside and what happened next was pure magic. The only word I could use to describe it would be fireworks.
I smiled at the camera and right before it was about to go off, he turned my face towards him and kissed me. He kissed me like no one ever had. That kiss, I’ll always remember even if I never see him again. It was like a kiss you would see on the silver screen and the audience grabs their seats because, YES, they finally kissed!
After that moment, we were inseparable and also getting drunker. The friend stormed off and left us together and I decided to make an executive decision and go back to my future ex husbands house. I’ll let you use your imagination about what happened next.
We hung out a lot after that, and on one of my last weekends in Cali, the whole group was together and what a better send off then to do it in the bathroom at our friends house. I didn’t know how to jump into that one without a pun, so there you go the whole Shabang.
Wait, that was a pun. YES.
So not the cleanest or classiest ways to say goodbye but hey it was fun, and I don’t regret any of it.
Maybe I’ll see him again one day or maybe I won’t but the memories I have will last me me a lifetime. If you’re reading this my future ex husband, don’t get a dad bod.
Stay tuned next week for a Halloween spooky special🤡💀🧙🏼♀️ 👻. There will be no boys Sacrificed In the making of that blog.
Advice of the week:
Life is too short to be wondering about the what if’s, live your life unapologetically, loud and proud my friends. Don’t let the naysayers, the negative Nancy’s or the idiot boys and/or girls that don’t know your worth get you down.