When I was young I would wear my moms jacket at school every day just so when I missed her I would smell the jacket and it would put me at ease. I would make sure to put all my stuffed animals in a comfy spot on my bed thinking they would get pissed off if they didn’t have a good night time spot. I wore my hair the same way every day because half up half down was the beat. I would pretend to be sleeping with my friends on sleepovers when my mom would walk in just so she wouldn’t yell at us for still being awake as we are clearly all holding our breaths under the covers trying to make it until she leaves. I would sing my friends to sleep because apparently my voice is soothing. My friends and I would have the most fun doing absolutely nothing it was fun being kids. And we were all constantly wishing to grow up but when we got there it wasn’t something that was that exciting in the first place. We find out love sucks that it’s not picture perfect with rainbows and butterflies. It’s complicated. Boys are complicated and still are complicated as men. Instead of pulling our hair there breaking out hearts now.
I hooked up with my good friend. Someone I had a genuine friendship with before and for some unknown reason we had to make it complicated. We had to put our testosterone and estrogen first before our brains. I knew it was wrong I know I shouldn’t have done it because hooking up with a friend sucks because you could potentially make your relationship really awkward and second I had feelings for him long before any of this and now look what I’ve done. Part of me just wanted to sleep with him because hey, yeah it’s fun to do but I like him. Like actually full course style feelings. I tried for years to push my feelings away just thinking maybe what I was feeling was just the genuiness of our friendship. I know I make the worst decisions and my only excuse is that I’m young I better make them now. But this time I fucked up. The one thing that was so simple for so long was this and now I had to go and make it weird.
He didn’t have feelings for me like that so what made me like him so much? Maybe it’s the fact that he doesn’t want me like that because the chase is always addicting or maybe it was deeper. All I know is that alcohol, feelings and him are not a good mix. Me and him would never work out and I know that deep down but sometimes don’t we just all wish it could be easy and simple. Like here is the guy you are suppose to be with and everything is rainbows and butterflies and it just works. Of course that can’t happen, it has to be a super complicated situation always. He doesn’t like you , you like him, you have to jump through hoops to figure shit out. And you know what when did dating become this hard? When did it become such bullshit? I just feel like the pickle I had gotten myself into this time was not something that would lightly go away and I needed to do some major clean up work immediately. We both agreed that sleeping together was probably not a good idea because it wasn’t, (I have to keep reminding myself). Sometimes when it feels like the pieces are falling apart they may be falling together. So we’re going to be friends just friends. Hey friend I have seen your naked body and you have seen mine but let’s be friends.