Chapter 5 of #sorrynotsorry

                    

 DEJA VU

      A couple months went by and Clark Kent and I had lost touch. Which I was okay with, I had other things to worry about like finishing the fall semester of school and getting to Christmas break. I remember one night I couldn’t sleep and ironically enough my phone buzzed and I looked to see who it was. I almost fell out of my bed when I read the name it was none other than sociopath. What could he possibly want?  We hadn’t talked in months unless you count him shooting me a text saying happy birthday which I ignored. I was very nervous to open this text message, because I didn’t want to get sucked back in on the looney train. I just had a funny feeling about this text. As I opened it, I scanned the message and the only thing that really caught my attention was three words. ” I love you.” 

    I kept saying them over and over . I couldn’t believe it. Why would he be saying this to me I just didn’t get it. Over the next couple of days he would tell me how much he missed me, how he couldn’t live without me, and how he wanted to be with me. I didn’t really know what to do with this information. Maybe he changed, maybe after all these months he had realized what I had meant to him and was starting to come around. And there I was falling right into the trap. He had reeled me in and I was intrigued to see what would happen next. We talked everyday for about a month and I was thinking about maybe going to see him in Texas and working on us. One morning I didn’t get a good morning text or any texts or calls all day. I thought something was wrong so I blew up his phone just telling him I was worried and to call me when he could. The night rolled around and still nothing. Now I was pissed and I knew something was fishy. Since sociopath always lied what would be the difference now. I followed my gut and went on facebook, I hadn’t been on facebook in months. If he was up to something fishy I knew I could lurk my way around facebook and find the answer.  Some part of me wanted him to be up to something because did I really want this guy back in my life? I was going to see what sociopath was up to, I was going to lurk the shit out of him until I found answers. But what I found I wasn’t all too ready for. I came across pictures of him and another girl kissing, holding hands, you name it. 

      My heart sank like really sank to the lowest place I felt it could ever go. I never in my life felt more pain than in that moment. I let him in again and he destroyed every ounce of happiness I gained back over all these months. I knew it was too good to be true. He had a girlfriend and I later found out he had the same girlfriend while he was dating me, and that’s why he was such an ass over Valentine’s day. Even though I knew what he could possibly be up to a thousand miles away, I didn’t want to think he would hurt me like that. The pain I felt really stung. I know he had cheated on me before and he did some horrible things to me but for some reason this just really hurt more than all of those things combined. Being so happy all these months and having it ripped out of me in one second tore me up inside. I remember sitting on my steps not wanting to wake my family up and just crying really crying. I buried my face into my hands so no one could hear me. I clenched my fists so hard I wouldn’t let out the pain in my voice. I was completely destroyed in that moment.  Everything he ever did to me rushed back all together at once and it was horrible. 

      I felt everything all over again. He told me I wasn’t good enough. He told me I shouldn’t wear those shorts because I looked like a slut. He never noticed when I lost weight or changed my appearance for him. Because to him I was always trying to look “too good.” He took advantage of my feelings and made me cry more than smile. He broke my heart and every time he did I would cry harder because I was so mad at myself for letting him fool me once again. For I should have learned my lesson by now. The first time we ever had sex I was losing my virginity and he told me I didn’t know what I was doing. Do you know what that does to 16 year old girls? It damages them. He hurt me and I let him. He made me feel unworthy of his love and everyone else’s. He abused me with his words day in and day out. He pushed me around like I was nothing to him. I remember what it felt like to be weak once again and I didn’t like the taste I had in my mouth, I knew I was strong I had proven it. But everyone has a moment of weakness and finding out yet another story full of lies just made me sick to my stomach. 

      I sat there for an hour. That was the first time I had cried over him in very long time or cried at all in months. For some reason I felt like he won. How could someone like him have a new girlfriend? I didn’t understand how he could tell me he wanted to be with me and that he loves me yet he had a girlfriend? I just hated that for one second he was gone and then here he is popping right back into my life making himself relevant. I think he wanted to hurt me, he wanted me to feel pain because he couldn’t feel anything. The next month I was in a fog, fucking pitying myself! I couldn’t even get through one class at school without excusing myself to cry in the bathroom. I couldn’t get through a shift at work without falling apart. I wouldn’t talk at work because one word out of mouth just turned into hysterical crying. My boss held me in her arms and all I kept saying was, “I’m  heartbroken.” My employees gave me infinite amount of group hugs though, thanks guys.  I was a complete and utter mess. He broke me completely into pieces that I didn’t think could be put back together. I felt alone like I had no one there. My mom hated seeing me like this. I couldn’t even sit through a meal without tears in my eyes wondering why me. Why did my heart have to break again? One night I even heard my dad cry because it hurt him so much to see me this way I didn’t want to be sad, it just was  like there was a big black cloud around me and I couldn’t shake it. Until I finally decided to just let it go. And it was hard, it was really hard. But I needed to rid myself of him once and for all. It was time to love myself enough to say goodbye to those things that didn’t know how to love me back. I didn’t want this one bad thing to ruin everything I had accomplished in the months without him. I was going to put my big girl panties on and let this one bad thing strengthen me for what was to come. My friends embraced me, even old friends came to my side. No one was going to let me fall back into this downwards spiral, they were all there to save the day. So I thank you, if it wasn’t for all you incredible people I wouldn’t have made it out. Here’s another lesson, you can always count on your friends and family I can promise you that. 

Stay tuned for chapter 6 where you get to meet one sexy fella. 

Hashtag #sorrynotsorry on social media when you’re done reading! 

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