Chapter one of #sorrynotsorry

First I would like to just thank the idiot that made this book possible, if you didn’t break my heart I wouldn’t of had the strength to sit down and write this great story, which is all true accounts by the way. SO thank you MR. sociopath. Here it is Chapter one…

There were fireworks, not just in the sky but in my heart. For the first time in a long time, it just felt right and I never thought after all I had been through I would find someone like you.

*********************

We all fall in love right? Well, at least we think it’s love at the time. “Love,” makes us do crazy things, one of those being staying with a total sociopathic asshole. And for some reason we all do it. We’ll say, “oh, I’ll never be that girl.” But eventually we all get stuck with some loser. No matter how many lies he told, how many times he slept with someone else and over the countless number of times he let you down, we all stay. And you want to know why? It’s because it’s easy, instead of starting over  with someone new, and learning a whole new way of doing things with someone else. I don’t want to have to go through that awkward stage of showing my naked body to someone else. I don’t want to share my inner most secrets and weaknesses with someone else either. It’s scary and that’s why we all stay. And we also think we are that one girl in a million to change him to make him better, to show him the error of his ways. But ladies once an asshole, always an asshole, but I won’t make all males look bad. There are the occasional few that do change their ways. If you’re lucky to come across one of those few give him a second chance, because it is hard to change. I’m going to tell you my story and how it gets better. It’s not going to be easy but it does get better. This is how this relationship shit goes. Once you finally break it off with your so-called lunatic, get ready for the late nights where you don’t remember your name and then find it when your puking your guts out in the toilet, the inevitable one night stands with the Joe Shmos, and the regrettables which I like to call them. The regrettables usually consist of when you wake up at six in the morning and praying you’re in your own bed and the little that you remember was just a dream but then you turn over and your exes best friend is laying next to you. Yeah, those are the regrettables. And yes if your thinking I’m an asshole for doing that your right I am. But sometimes revenge is a little too sweet. But when your dating a sociopathic serial cheater, it seems like the right thing to do until your sober. So this is where I will start, fasten your seatbelts ladies and gents, because this is going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. Let’s take a trip back to February 2013

Sociopath

He was the guy your mom forbid you to go out with. The kind of guy to break your heart over and over again. The one to fuck with your head so bad that you thought that you were crazy. He was the bad guy, not the sexy bad guy like the actual bad guy. And I was drawn to him. Everything he did made me want more. It was the most passion I’ve ever experienced in my life so far. I was in love so hard I couldn’t think clearly. It was like I was on a rollercoaster. When we went down we really went down. But the ups were my favorite. I would forget every bad thing he’d ever done in the five seconds he was nice to me. But, now when I look back I wish I listened to my mom because if I did, I wouldn’t have went through a lot of the heartache I’ve endured over the many years of being with sociopath. When I think back to our relationship, I feel like I was so dumb for putting up with everything that I did and that a smart girl would have left his ass a long time ago. He hooked up with both of my best friends. And that really broke me. When you’re young things like that are what change you. He ended up cheating on me 7 times if I could guess. I was weak and I stayed with him. I thought he would change, I thought maybe just maybe he would see what he was doing was wrong and that my heart was invested in this relationship but he didn’t stop he just got worse. He lied to me about everything and I knew it I just didn’t feel like starting an argument by calling him a liar because when I did call him a liar he would turn it around on me as if I was the meanest person for saying that. He was doing drugs behind my back and sneaking around. It was just not a great time in my life. Yes, there were good days by most were bad. The more I tried to look past his behavior the more I started hating myself. He emotional abused me saying anything he could to put me down. I never heard more evil things in my life unless they were coming from his mouth. And you know what maybe he was just too young to really be committed into a relationship. I didn’t have the courage to do anything about it until one day I woke up and I did. I know what it’s like to feel weak and now I know what it’s like to feel strong. And being strong is a much better feeling.

If you’re in a relationship Valentine’s Day is kind of a big deal. It’s something you look forward too when you don’t have a boyfriend so when you get one you have the day planned out. “This is the year I’ll have a sweet little boyfriend to buy me flowers and serenade me,” we say. If you’re one of those people that are sitting there saying who cares about valentine’s Day, you’re a liar. Everyone loves presents, attention, and love. So, stop being such a fun sucker. Sociopath and I were about to celebrate our three year anniversary, we we’re also in a long distance relationship since December. He was coming to visit  me for our anniversary and also to celebrate Valentine’s Day since they were in the same month, it was basically like a pretty big fucking deal to me. I had Valentine’s Day planned out for weeks. It’s all I talked about. I would lay in bed at night and just look up to the ceiling and make up scenarios in my head about how he would hold me, kiss me, and all the sweet nothings he would whisper to me in my ear. I hadn’t seen him in 3 months and I was ready to put my arms around him. This would be our three year anniversary. And I felt like I deserved a medal for making it that long. Maybe he would learn from his mistakes or maybe he could be just the same. My eyes would light up whenever someone asked me about my plans. I would not shut-up about it I swear my friends wanted to glue my mouth shut. My outfit was picked out, I even had all the words I wanted to say mentally stored in my head. I would think about how many different ways I could tell him that I loved him and many different ways I could tell him how much he meant to me. I had a dinner reservation booked at a nice restaurant on the intercoastal for weeks. This was going to be or suppose to be one of the best days of my life or so I thought. Little did I know Sociopath would break my heart again. *side note- If you have to say your heart is being broke AGAIN, key word again, break up with that asshole!

Okay back to the story. Now the day has come It is Valentine’s Day, the day I have been waiting for. I couldn’t even contain the amount of happiness that was surging through me. I was on my way to the airport, and I swear to you I almost got in like 3.5 car accidents on the way, the .5 being a parked car. I just was so excited to see my man and put my arms around him. I parked my car and almost fell out of the car when trying to get out. I waited by the terminal hardly being able to breathe. And there he was coming down the escalator. From far away it felt like a fairy tale, I missed him so much. I ran over and nearly knocked him over jumping in his arms. But it was cold, the way he touched me was ice cold, it just didn’t feel right. It was strange the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach and I knew deep down I would be let down again. The second he touched me I just knew this wasn’t going to be a romantic vacation it was going to be a sad one. He barely hugged me back, basically ripped me off him, I didn’t even get a kiss from my boyfriend who I hadn’t seen in months. All the month’s I was looking forward to this moment was gone and ripped away from me in one second.  Everything in that moment just felt so wrong. Long story short he ended up ditching me on Valentine’s Day. I know what a shocker. I wasn’t surprised, I was just frozen with no emotions. As, I took off my pink blazer and held my tears back I called my friend Kayla. I wasn’t going to waste one more tear on this idiot. I didn’t even have any words to say but the crackle in my voice gave Kayla a sneaking suspicion something was wrong and she was over my house in a heartbeat, with donuts and a cuddly bear and a shoulder to cry on. I spent my Valentine’s Day with my best friend watching the vampire diaries, pigging out on junk food and you know what? It wasn’t all that bad. Having a good friend with me made it actually feel better. And for once I didn’t wonder where sociopath was. I just didn’t care anymore. The next morning I woke up and to be honest with you, it was the best sleep I had in a long time. I woke up and I felt different. Like a part of me that felt so heavy for years was gone. I didn’t care where sociopath was or what he was doing, I was over it. The thought of him actually made me want to vomit. It was like I was in a deep sleep for so long over all these years and I finally woke up. It clicked in my head that morning that he would never change and I wouldn’t be the girl to save him and I was okay with that. I felt free for the first time in a long time and it felt really good. If you’re wondering if he called, hell yeah he did! He did everyday for months but I rarely picked up and when I did I had nothing nice to say. It was easier to pick my shit up and  move on and start fresh then to listen to his excuses and lies. I wanted to make up for the years I missed being young, wild, and free. Thanks wiz for the inspirational song lyrics. And this is where it starts getting interesting, enough about sociopath and onto my next adventure the single dating life and Mr. nice guy, not the drug it’s a person I swear.

Stay tuned this week for chapter two of #sorrynotsorry to meet Mr.nice guy

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